back in the saddle

hello! wow i’m so sorry it’s been so long!

(and i hope you like my cover image for this post; i took it and edited it myself and i am obsessed with i

here’s the thing: i let myself get really in my head about these blog posts again. i started feeling as though, if i didn’t have anything “significant” to say, or if i didn’t have “enough” to say, then i shouldn’t say anything at all.

that’s not the point of a blog, though! and certainly not the point of this one! this really does show me that i need to really push myself to enforce the things i want to be doing, to believe the beliefs i want to hold onto, et cetera, et cetera. so i’m doing a blog post, even if it’s sloppy or short or rambly or weird or incoherent! because it’s my blog post to make! and any blog post is better than none at all, in my opinion!

so, today i’m back, and i’m talking about the writing process a little bit this time! it’s been on my mind a lot lately— obviously, and also moreso than usual, because i’m figuring out what works for me and what doesn’t as i’m developing as a writer.

much like with my general life, i feel like i’m becoming a more intentional artist with age and experience. in the process, i’m realizing things about myself, and two of them are massive: i am extremely impatient, and i can be a completionist. in writing, this means that i tend to focus extremely hard on a single project until it’s completed, and also that i have a habit of doing everything to get that project out, because i want results.

so far, this has been going okay! i enjoy my process, and it’s been working for me so far. however, i also realized that i’ve never properly taken my time with a project.

i started listening to the lord of the rings on audiobook recently (this will tie back in, i promise you). in the foreword for the fellowship of the ring, tolkien was saying a lot of stuff that really hit home for me. one of the biggest things that really stood out is how much time and effort and energy he put into these books over the course of years. he wrote piece by piece, sometimes stopping for long stretches, jumping around, trying all sorts of things. he’d write, and rewrite, and rewrite. he had experiences that informed the project he was working on. he edited, and committed, and refined.

the point is, tolkien put a fuck of a lot of work into something that nobody even knew was going to be what it was. i don’t even know if he knew. all i think is that, to him, this was a project he put so much of his time and his energy and himself into.

and i’ve never really done anything like that!

most of my projects are ideas that i develop, outline, write, edit, refine, and publish myself in a heated fever. it’s because i dedicate pretty much all of my spare time and energy to the book when i’m working on it, so it’s all done until nothing can be done anymore, and then it goes off! which has been a lot of fun and i’ve enjoyed it a lot!

but i’m also realizing i want to try things a little differently this time.

the book project i’m working on right now is big. like, it’s really big. not just literally big— the outline is massive, and i know it’s going to be long, in lots of ways— but it feels big, to me. this is a colossal concept and i’m putting in a lot of work to executing it, and i want the world to be a real world, and the characters to be real characters, and the story to be a real story, and for the entire thing to be layered and deep and filled with everything i want it to be.

tolkien’s inspired me, and other writers have inspired me, and i’m inspiring me. i want to take my time to make something good, and big. i want to work on this.

i don’t want to work on only this.

i’m trying to dedicate time to life things, also. i can’t drop everything else in my life to write a book and go to work and do nothing else for months on end. this is also going to be a process for me to figure out a balance where i’m not only writing my main, big project, but i’m also writing other things (the short story collection i’ve been working on comes to mind, as well as all that fanfiction i just love to write), and reading, and living, and having experiences, or whatever.

the experiences are important, and working is important, and saving money for our house is important, and seeing people is important, and balancing myself is important. it makes me a better person, and all that makes me a better writer! i’m not perfect; i never will be. there’s so much change waiting for me, always. always growing, always learning, and always excited to be doing so.

in reading so many other books and so much content outside of myself, as well, i’m learning so, so much. i’m almost up to fifty books read this year (which, aahhh!!), and just reading the works and words of others is making me a significantly better writer. i pick up so many little details, learn what i do and don’t like, see techniques i’ve never even thought of, and get lost in worlds that inspired me to get lost in my own again, as well. the books and writers and creators that have been inspiring and teaching me lately are keeping me going and really supporting how i’m thinking and feel recently.

most of this is just keeping myself focused, motivated, and honest, all of which are not easy. i’m easily distracted by exciting project concepts, and i have a habit of developing multiple wips at once (and inevitably forgetting about others in the process). i want to focus on the things i’m working on, but be able to focus on one thing at a time without being overwhelmed by only that one thing. i want to be honest in that some days i’m really into writing, and some days i’m really just not feeling it, even though i love it.

so, i’m trying to make real connections with what i make, and take my time in making it! this means i’m being genuine to me in what i make and making real connections with people in the process. i don’t want to make things that appeal to as many people as possible; i want to make my art, that says something i want to say, that i can be proud of and point at and say, “this is mine, isn’t this amazing?” and then, when other people connect, too, they’re connecting to me, their heart to my heart, and it means so much to me.

this also means i’m writing nontraditional stories! or, nontraditional for others, maybe, but pretty traditional for me. i’m not only working on my big project, but also working on my short story collection, poetry concepts, and fun fanfiction projects.

in fact, i’m actually starting to write and publish a multi-chaptered fanfiction story! historically, i’m extremely bad at this, but it’s something i’ve always wanted to be better at. and i can’t get better if i don’t push myself! it might not be easy, but i think it will be fun, it will be fruitful, it will (hopefully) teach me new skills, and it will train me to take my time with a longer story to do it right (while still keeping my attention on the story and actually finishing it)!

as i thought it would, this blog post is getting rambly now, so let me try and tie things together a little bit.

making the art i want to be making, i’ve realized, doesn’t mean i’m going to sell it, or make a blockbuster, or be rich and famous. and, as it turns out, i don’t want it to do any of those things. the desire to have wealth or receive attention for my work is obviously sort of innate, and would be nice, but that’s not why i do what i do, and i can’t ever let it become why i do what i do.

creating art— writing— is something different for everyone. for me, i just want to tell my stories, improve myself, share emotions, connect to hearts, and maky my art for me and the people who enjoy it. i find my people this way, and always have. sometimes, i don’t even realize; i write things just because i want to write them, and i want to read them, and then it turns out other people want to read them, too, and i have to tell you— i don’t think there’s any better feeling than that.

i could go on a rant about trad publishing here, but this blog post has been generally positive, so i’ll save that for another day. suffice it to say: the landscape of trad publishing leaves a lot to be desired, it does not support the creation of free and independent art from all different kinds of creatives, and it does not indicate success in any way. it’s a sort of money-making machine— and that’s fine for those who are writing to make money! but i’m not, and i’m not into it, so—

—okay i said i wouldn’t rant, so i’m stopping myself there, but. obviously i have a lot to say! create the art you want to create! don’t let them stifle you! only you can make your art!

long story short: i write what i want, and it makes me happy. i also want to be better at certain things, hone specific skills, and create different projects. in that, i will need a lot of practicing, as well as a lot of learning. i’m going to read a lot. i’m going to write a lot. i’m going to practice with my fanfiction. i’m going to work on different projects. i’m going to continue having life experiences. i’m going to keep working. some things might take me one day; some might take me eight months; some might take me six years; some might take me a decade, or a dozen years, or might never be finished at all. i have a lot to learn. i have to lot to do. i’ve just got to try.

this will take trial and error. this will take effort. this will take time.

this will take time.

this will take time.

and that is not only okay— it’s encouraged.