fighting for balance

hello again, my friends!!

we’re in another week, in another month. soon we’ll be in another year. the passage of time doesn’t seem like it’s happening until i reflect and realize that it has been the entire time, which is probably part of what keeps us from going insane while it is actually happening.

that also means that sometimes time gets away from me and that’s okay. as i’m so fond of saying, time we enjoy wasting is not wasted time. i just have to remind myself to enjoy the time i’m wasting.

i haven’t been doing much differently since the last time we checked in together. if anything else, i’m processing the fact that i’m trying to do things differently now, which isn’t a good or a bad thing, it just is. the way i did things before wasn’t bad; it’s just how i was doing things then. that was who i was. i had to be that person and do those things to become the person i am now, and i’ve got to do the things i’m doing now so i can be the person i’ll be tomorrow, and do the things i’ll do the day after that.

every version of me is me. every day is just a different day of me. i have to take pride in changing, instead of fearing it. there is a very human victory in changing and embracing ourselves in our ever-changing natures. that doesn’t make it easy, but it remains as important as ever.

in a slightly less cosmic sense, i’m reading a lot more lately. i’ve been focusing on one long book that i’ve always wanted to read but never got into (anne rice’s “the witching hour,” forever on my list because my dad speaks so highly of it, and now that i’m finally getting into it i can see why). i’ve also been playing one game that i enjoy, instead of six at once (story of seasons: pioneers of olive town, and my little farm really is coming along). i’ve been working on two fanfic stories that are ongoing (with full outlines and intent to finish). i’ve been writing one book (my massive ongoing project that i’m so very excited and proud of).

i’m really trying to focus. i’m also trying to be patient, with myself and with the world and with others and with time. i’m reminding myself that, just because things take time, doesn’t mean they’re not happening. one step at a time is all i can do.

everything feels overwhelming and massive right now. there are some days where i feel optimistic, and capable, and that i know what i’m doing. everything feels happy and i’m thinking positively and i’m not so afraid. i really feel like i’m moving forward. the world is a beautiful place. but there are some other days where i’m terrified, and sad, and i don’t know anything at all. i feel alone, even if i know i’m not. sometimes, knowing things logically is different than feeling them.

when i’m done being sad, and i’m happy again, i always feel so embarrassed for being down. my own negativity mortifies me when i can remember that there’s so much to be happy about. but some things are just a balance. maybe the good days wouldn’t mean as much without the bad. and maybe, someday, there will be far more good days than bad.

sometimes it’s hard to remember why it’s important to fight to be happy. but i do have to remember, and i do have to fight, and i do have to be happy. it’s important.

so, right now, i’m trying to be productive in lots of ways, even though it’s hard. i’m working on getting us into our own house. i’m putting my all into my job while i’m there. i dedicate specific energy, and time, and passion to my current creative projects. i’m seeking hobbies i enjoy.

everything will come in time. just because things take time, doesn’t mean they’re not happening. today is an entire day, all for me. i don’t want to squander it. if i waste it, i want to enjoy wasting it. it will not come again. there’s an opportunity to enjoy myself, today, and be happy. it feels like any other day, but it could be better, if i fight for it.

it’s hard to fight. it can be really, really hard. but i’m still doing it. i’m proud of myself for doing it. and i’m proud of you for doing it, too. neither of us is alone, even when we feel like it. and the happiness will always come back. and there’s always another chance.

i hope everyone is having a good day today. if you’re not, i hope it gets better. if it doesn’t, send me a message. we’ll get through this one together. the happiness is always going to come back.