the work continues

hello again!

it’s already been a week since my first post, so i think it’s time to put up another one! don’t worry— i got a lot of words out last week, and i don’t want to put expectations on myself to write thousands of words every week for the blog, so i’m just gonna write whatever comes out. that’s part of the entire point, right?

so, in the past week— i’ve been working hard at implementing what i’ve been talking about! obviously, everything is a work in progress, but— as i also discussed, part of what i’m working on here is reminding myself that i am constantly a work in progress. i will never be completed! and that’s how it should be! i hope i’m still changing on the day i die; otherwise, i’m just wasting time being the same!

i’ve been working to remind myself of my affirmations a lot. i have had to fight for patience, moreso than i normally do, because usually i just let shit slide, and i’m trying not to anymore. when i couldn’t find the patience, and found myself leaning back into old ways, i forced myself to actually confront that and move through it. i realized that, without enforcing the consequences of my actions, i’ll just keep making the same mistakes. this week, that meant a lot of pushing myself to verbalize— including apologizing when i fucked up, which always teaches me the hard lesson pretty well— and communicate exactly what i want to say. i’m also struggling to be more tactful in my honesty, which is something i need to work a lot on.

as for creativity and creation and all that, i’ve been trying to find a better balance, there. when i find myself sitting and just writing for hours, i’ll stop myself when i realize i’m zoning or flagging or weakening, where before i’d push through. i don’t want to contribute to that burnout, or force it to come sooner than it has to. if i can, i’d like to prevent it completely! instead, i’ve turned to other tasks, pausing to do other things i enjoy. this week, i’ve read half a book (which i’m so excited about), i’ve been playing two video games (one of which was a gift from ren, and i’m loving it), and been actually paying attention to the things i watch on tv. in addition, i actually made myself go out and do things several times this week, which feels like a major achievement. even when i was struggling, i searched in myself and dragged up and brought myself out, and i actually had a really good time. i just have to remind myself of that; i get lost in anticipation and anxiety, and then lose sight of what it is i’m doing and why i’m doing it.

there’s still a lot of work to do. there’s so much work to do, all the time, and i’m realizing a lot of it is emotional, and mental, and social, which feels so hard, all the time. i’m pacing myself in all things, which is also extremely hard. i’m trying to write fanfiction in a normal way, rather than sitting down and shitting out thousands of words every day without doing anything else, and it’s also hard, but it’s good, because then i’m doing more than one thing! i need to vary things up or i’ll burn out hard. i know that. it’s just a matter of enforcing it and adjusting to it and becoming it, now!

i’m also trying to be more organized, more clean, and less scattered. i have a tendency to stash things away; i’m a bit of a packrat, and i get attached to things, and then i never want to get rid of them. i’ve been slowly, piece by piece, cleaning out bags and boxes and sections in my room and my life, one at a time. it seems less overwhelming and daunting that way; i’m also slowly doing what i should be doing, rather than doing nothing at all because tasks seem too big to tackle. again, this is a major work in progress, and i’m not quite good at it yet, but it feels good to at least be starting to work at it.

most exciting (in my opinion) is that i’m feeling incredibly invigorated about my big writing project, right now. for those of you who i’ve spoken with about this project, you know that my time displacement book is massive and important to me. i’m really taking the time to flesh out my outline, put in the research, and compose this book. i want this to be something that has a lot of patience and effort and energy in it. i have a tendency to write what i want to write and then just put it out, which is evidenced by the fact that i had two books come out this year alone (one of which is, admittedly, fucking colossal). it’s awesome that i can write fast, but i want to see what happens now when i write something and then really go back and flesh it out and keep working on it. i don’t want to go insane (and i don’t want to let my perfectionist tendencies take over), but i’m excited to work on this new-ish method of writing and see what comes of it. i think it’s going to be really incredible.

also, exciting— a friend of mine from high school, alex, just reached out to me because she’s opened her own store in the center of our hometown (where i live again)! which is incredible! and she wants to stock my books there, which is even more incredible! not only is it amazing that the people i know are making such astonishing achievements, it’s extremely touching that she thought of me to be involved as a vendor at all. i’m looking forward to selling there, as well as feeling very motivated to continue reaching out into my community to stock my books in as many places as i can. sometimes, i forget that being my own publisher means being my own publisher— a lot of work goes into it, but, honestly, i don’t think i’d have it any other way. if being rich and famous with an agent and a publisher means my work and my words and my art and my message are diminished in any way, i want absolutely no part of it. creative control means everything to me! i feel so satisfied and reassured knowing that others respect that and work with me to sell my way! i can’t wait to be selling at alex’s shop (down on main in leicester, ma for interested parties! i’ll be sure to let you know when my books are in stock also)!

besides that, i’m just preparing for the month ahead. december is always extremely busy, and i am extremely scatter-brained, even at the best of times. i have a spreadsheet going for all the gifts i want to give, just to keep track. i have a calendar of all the seasonal events i’ve scheduled for myself that i’m looking forward to. i’m busy pretty much every single day, which is fine! i need to schedule myself in some rest days, just to make sure i enjoy it all— but, otherwise, i think this is going to be good. my birthday is december 21st, which always makes celebrating it a bit difficult. unfortunately, i’m not sure that people are interested in celebrating with me this year, but that’s okay! it’s the nature of things sometimes, especially so close to a major holiday. i’m going to celebrate with my beloved ren, and hopefully i’ll get to either do something little around my birthday with my friends, or i can just do something in january. that might start having to be my move; otherwise, nothing ever happens! nobody wants to hang out on the wednesday before christmas, and it’s difficult to hang out on the weekend before or after my birthday when every day is being used for christmas celebrations!

so, this month, i am going to make time for myself, be kind to myself, and be honest. i’m going to work hard on my patience and my tact, as well as my need to be in control. i hope to keep loosening up, to keep working hard, and to keep developing these ongoing concepts i’m working on. as always, i am a work in progress; as always, i am imperfect; as always, i am fucking up, and fixing it, and trying to be better all the time. i’m going to continue enforcing patience, and i’m going to fight to accept a lack of control, and i’m going to remember that i am loved and that i love others. i have to remember that, even when it seems that others don’t care. all that matters is that i care. the rest, hopefully, will come from there. i’m reaching out and putting myself out there and verbalizing and communicating and that’s all i can do. i can’t control other people, only myself. i can’t make them love me, i can only love them. i can’t get attention, i can only give it. it’s okay if people don’t pay attention to me; i can pay attention to myself.

so, with all that, i’ll say: happy end of november and beginning of december! i am grateful for all of you, and i look forward to continuing to improve (hopefully), as should we all!